After thirty-five years I am finally coming clean: I suck at meeting new people. I am way too shy for my own good, and I now know that I am considered to be cold and remote as well. No wonder I can't get a date!
It has been four months since I ended a bad relationship and I am still licking my wounds. I really wanted this one to work, put all of my energy into making him happy, bailed on friends, made my life about catering to his whims while putting up with his filthy habits, rude behavior and snobbish attitudes. I hated myself when I was with him because I turned into a non-entity; my ideas and beliefs weren't as important as his, adn when I'd finally had enough it got ugly. I was blamed for everything that went wrong. He was perfect, golden, an absolute angel that did nothing wrong, and I am (still) the world's most evil, conniving bitch who ruined his life. So I'm a little gunshy. Go figure.
I have always been shy, introverted and standoff-ish; it is my defence mechanism I guess. If I don't get close to people then they can't hurt me, but now I'm finding that the loneliness that this is creating is pretty unbearable. Most nights I sit at home and watch CSI with only my cats for company;my phone doesn't ring or when it does it's my mother checking to see if I'm still alive. I am literally turning into what I've laughed at all my life: a crazy cat lady.
So now I'm being told by family and friends that I need to get myself back in the game. I hate the game. I have always hated dating because I am no good at small talk; I hate when people ask me questions about myself, and I hate being put in a situation where I have to be outgoing and talkative. I have these voices in my head that tell me that I should just give up now before I even start. Maybe I should just realize that dating and all that relationship crap just ain't for me at this point and time in my life. Maybe I need to be alone for the time being and keep healing my wounds by surrounding myself with family and friends and cats and things that I love. I shouldn't have to get back into the game if I'm not ready, and I shouldn't let people push me into things that I know I'm not ready for.
Screw it. I'll play this game when I'm good and ready and not a minute sooner.
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2 comments:
I say don't get back into the game, but you have to listen to what you want. not what others tell you!
hey, I am a terminally single crazy cat lady chick too ... I say more power to us .... and CSI is usually 100 billion trillion times more exciting than any man anyway .... {:C ) In other words ..... you will do what feels right for you, anything else does not matter !!! And you always have us {:C D
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